In the early days of our country, before it was a country, can you imagine the cold grip of fear that struck G. Washington – then three years old – when his dad walked up and caught him with wood chips on his shirt, sweat on his brow and the axe in his hand? The cherry tree lay felled at his feet. “Well, Georgie,” says dad, “Got anything to say?” Not yet being a politician GW could honestly reply “I cannot tell a lie. I did it”
For a three year old to complete a feat like this, I always believed he had a powerful and magical axe. Later, so the song goes, Davy Crockett “killed him a bar‘ when he was only three.” Assuming, even at three, DC was smart enough not to take on a grizzly with a steak knife, it may be possible that he got his hands on the magic axe.
Now we know what happened to the axe. It was made of silver and came into the possession of Abraham Lincoln. Good thing it did. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer may have the most ridiculous premise since the ill fated Howard the Duck (1986). It supposes AL lived in a land infested with vampires. Through a twist of fate, he undergoes Vampire Killer Jedi training and starts mowing them down. He handles the axe like Bruce Lee with a pair of nunchaku weapons. Except he doesn‘t just whack his enemies in the head, he beheads them completely – all with large and appropriate amounts of blood and gore.
While all this is going on, AL finds time to woo Mary Todd (spoiler alert: she becomes his wife) and take an interest in politics. Then he becomes President and a big war breaks out. The vampires, who have been kind of in hiding, join the South. This is bad for the North. Not only did they have to face the brilliant General Robert E. Lee, they now had to go up against Col. Bela Lugosi who wore a gray cape and constantly snarled “I vant to zuck your Yankee blood.” Bummer.
AL brings the axe out of retirement and joins the fight in person. More blood and gore starts flowing but (spoiler alert: The North wins the war) good triumphs over evil and Abe heads off to take in a play. Literally.
Before considering going to this film, take the R rating very seriously. I cannot tell a lie. I liked this film.
Rated 2.9 out of 4.0 reasons that if this film is successful next up will surely be Mother Theresa: Werewolf Hunter.
NOTE: This film was made with the approval of the SPCV (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vampires). No actual Vampires were harmed or killed while filming the sequences which make it appear just the opposite is happening.
